Phil Tucker

So it's been almost a year since I've posted on here.. And to be honest, I don't miss it.

Just for some reason now, I want to get things out.

My life has finally kick started and is back in gear, back on track, no longer am I hanging in the void, wondering and waiting for what's going to happen, because it happened, the most amazing thing that could have, last February.

I met the angel from my dreams, better than from my dreams, and ever since then, my life has seemed so much more complete.

I go back and read some of the old posts I had about girls in my life, and it's so funny to think how I cared about them back then, how I know I cared about them, but how everything with her is so different. I know it will sound cliche'd or stupid, but with her, all the words in songs and movies, just make sense, with her, every feeling, every emotion seems to be amplified 20X over, and I know I love her.

Now I'm searching for a new job, and I'm going back to school, my life is going again... and I know, I know I love her.

Since her, my life has found meaning again, and a real sense of direction. She's taught me so much and I've grown so much. I've finally started to be able to get over all my stupid nervous habits and although I still think everything to death, I can still take action now, no matter what other people will think.

I care about her more than anything else in the world, and I just want to be able to show that to her, but no matter what I do, I can't seem to show that properly. I would give her the world if I were able to...

She is my one.

So, it seems that really... I have no idea what's going on anymore. I'm told so many different things that I get confused, I'm told I have to be different, act different, look different, and I feel I've lost perspective of who I really am.

I've lost direction, I've lost meaning. I don't know what's going on anymore. The only constant thing I have is Elaine. And how I love her. That would really, be the only thing I know anymore. And even with that, I'm so terrified of messing it up, that I worry about it too. But at the same time, she's all I can think of. I find myself wanting to be with her when we're not. I want to talk to her all the time. I message her about every little stupid thing on my mind, and she still doesn't get sick of me. 3 relationships I've had... ended because they essentially were just sick of me... I can't shake that.

But what else should there be in my life? I've become angry, possibly from confusion, from changing too much and trying to still be the same. Life just doesn't really make a lot of sense right now. And yet, the one thing I keep thinking, and feeling, is I want to marry her. Which I know is crazy. I got another phone bill today... Another bill over 3500 min (that's 58 hours... 2 whole days of my month) on the phone. Almost 300 text messages sent... I spent the past 2 days with her and will see her tonight, and I don't feel the slightest bit different. I still want to talk to her, to see her. 4 months...

It's strange how you never expect to feel this way. It kind of just creeps up on you and takes control. Never have I felt ANY of these feelings before.

Looking back I've always had this stupid depressed kind of slump. I always think, I always worry. But it hadn't ever affected me like this.

I lose focus so easily now. School just doesn't interest me. Work... just piles more and more on. Games amuse me for a very minimal amount of time. Movies are only fun when I watch them with her. I've definately found a creative spark though. I draw all the time. Mostly of her, but it's good. It's a relief. Music drowns out my thoughts and my hands just take control. I don't even spend time on the computer much anymore.

The funny thing is, when I'm with her, none of this ^^ stuff matters. I forget about worries, I forget about thinking, I'm never mad, I'm just me, and I'm just happy.

I suppose what bugs me most is since this is all new to me, I don't know how much is normal. I know people who have been in relationships for years, but I don't know how they feel. Is this normal? How can I talk to her for 5 hours at a time, then have only a brief time when I'm not talking to her and then spend 8 hours with her and not get bored, not run out of things to say. How come everytime she's not with me, I think about her, I miss her? I look at her and fall in love again every time. What's to say anything is normal I suppose. Maybe I'm just not capable of truely letting someone else love me? All my life I had depended on myself for everything.

It's funny though. She makes me want to take those risks I never have before. I find myself doing all the special stupid little things I never could with anyone else. I've completely opened myself up to her, and maybe that's what's scariest of all. But I've realised that you have to take a risk sometime, as much as there's the chance of pain, it can truely work out anyway.

Ah, I just think to much. And I'm probably to obsessed with myself. I just don't know what to think anymore.

Lack of sleep has for ever been a large part of my life. And I have a feeling, that's not going to change any time soon.

I look back and find I'm slipping back into old habits, which isn't neccesarilly bad, but I find I can't seem to deal with it the same way I used to. I went 6 days last week without sleeping, litterally. My mind has been working overdrive for the past 3 weeks, and seems to be showing no sign of stopping. For so long I had taken for granted the simpleness of life, the simple fact of not worrying, of not thinking like crazy. After Caitlin had left for Montreal, my mind had shut down, almost become dorment. A quiet distant cry in an endless darkness. It was actually kind of nice. I didn't think about missing her, I didn't think about caring about her. Sure it was hard, but I dealt. And I moved on. The gap she left quickly was filled with random stupid things with friends. Laser quest, a bowling league, East Side Mario's, hockey, work, JJQ's, movies. I had given up on love, and I had given up on thinking.

Now all of a sudden I find myself back in those old habits. I analyse every single little thing there is. Every word everyone says, every intention behind every word, and it scares me. I have this whole new confidence, I have this whole new charisma, this whole new life, and this doubt, this worrying, just seems so much stronger now. Perhaps it's because I've finally learned to put my life on the line. Put my emotions out in the open for anyone to see, which means anyone can hurt me as well. But life really has become amazing at the same time. I cannot remember I time I have ever been this happy, or this... calm. Love hit me like a truck.

I just read Greg's entry, and it's really made me think about how I've progressed through my life, and the major points at each step. It's strange, every time I look back, I can't imagine my life without her. But then I force myself to think, and my life has been focused on... such random things. I go through so many phases, and my emotions always have run extremely high. I suppose that's why I'm always called the "girl" the outcast, the whatever. I've learned to not care about that. I've accepted I'm a lot different than most guys. I can't look at a girl and judge her.

It's funny how forward I've become. I remember when I was little, how shy I always was. I can still feel it all inside me. Everytime I approach a situation, I know how I used to feel, how I used to doubt. But for some reason now, I've found the confidence to not care. To push myself farther into those situations, sometimes completely set up to fail, but it's what you've got to do. Some things in life, I've decided, are worth risking being hurt, worth pain, worth worrying, worth anguish. Because if you don't allow yourself to risk that extra bit, how can you truely find any of that happiness?

I've lived an extremely sheltered life. I've never been in a real fight. I've never been truely scared for my life. I've never had that kind of worry, even when I should. I find now that I enjoy pain. I enjoy those strange things in life that you'd never think of. I love obsessing over her. I love drawing, I love writing, I love thinking of her. I love talking to her, being with her, even being jealous.

I saw Caitlin last night again for the first time in almost a year. I couldn't help but notice her keep looking at me. Almost like she used to when we were together, as messed up as it was back then. I noticed her look at me like she cared, like she longed, and as strange as it was, I didn't find myself looking back. She told me she didn't care about me in any romantic way... but why did she look at me like that? Why was the tension there? I want to see her again before she goes back to Montreal, just to know. I don't feel for her anymore, that gap of my heart has been filled. Filled with cement and then grown over with love.

I've become extremely self concious again. Very concious of my weight, and my general tone. Some days I actually find myself looking in the mirror and liking who i see staring back at me. But I can't kick these bad eating habits, these strange sleeping habits. I went 6 days without sleep, and was able to function absolutely fine. Since then, I haven't slept more than 4 hours each night, and I feel great. I find myself falling asleep in the basement around 4 am every night, waking up no later than 8am. Heh.

I've become very sensitive of what people say. I suppose this is linking back to the thinking too much again. I've become very sensitive of what people say, yet I've become a lot more open. I don't worry as much, I don't doubt myself. More and more I find people talking to me, caring about me, asking to hang out, and I continually do not know where the time goes. There are so many things in my life that I can't seem to find the time even without sleep. I'll gladly admit most of my time is devoted to her, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I wish all my time was hers. I can't believe I got up and sang a song (kareoke) for her infront of a full room of people. I can't believe I feel so deeply for her, and that I just want to shout it out to the world. So many things have become complicated, i suppose that's the way life's supposed to be. Who needs an easy ride through life when it's so much more fun when you have no idea what's going on.

Music has become a huge part of my life again. I am always listening to music, developing new songs, new sounds and I wish I could re create all of them. I'm looking to buy a new guitar because my good ol little samick just doesn't cut it anymore sadly. I need more. I need to get it out. I need to let it out.

I seem to have become very selfish, and I don't like that. I always seem to be saying "I need" "I want". Even when it's regarding others. "I want you to be happy" "I need you to care about me". I'm scared that I've somehow changed from the kind considerate boy I once was. People keep telling me that they think I'm angry, which I'm not. I suppose when you expose yourself to the world, let anyone see how you feel, what makes you tick, you get more defensive. It's a scary thing knowing so much of you depends on someone else, or how others feel. I've never felt a dependance like this before, I always relied on myself, and myself alone. It will take a little while to adjust to these new emotions, these new feelings, and I'm determined to make this all work. I won't give up on myself, I won't give up on her, I won't give up on us.

I don't talk to a lot of people I wish I still did. Or if we do, it's extremely infrequently. I hardly use MSN anymore. I still find myself missing that connection though. It just seems so much of my life lately has had to be a secret, that I'm slowly cutting myself off from the rest of the world. Well, hopefully that will change soon.



Hey world, listen to me now. This is me. This is how I feel, this is what you get. An emotional boy who's got nothing and everything to lose, who's willing to put it all on the line. Do what you will with me, but please, don't forget me.

But I wish that I, could hold you
And when your sweet chin, rests upon that frozen glass
And memories only haunt you, wishing it was gone
You’ll find the roads are twisting,
And you don’t want to go back home.
The taste of the cold air is more sickening than the sound
The rain that’s pouring down
The emptiness, the gaping wound
The nothing that I’ve found.

So hold your sweet body underneath your warming sheets
And cry yourself to sleep again dreaming of each wish
The coldness can’t touch and caress your gentle skin
No not in this place tonight, no not in my dieing place

But I wish that I, could hold you.
When loving you is only words that I can’t seem to find.
No actions back each syllable no meat to fill each rhyme.
It’s when you’re not in my sight that I realise
That I, just I, wish that I could hold you.

Your finger tips brush softly against the silky grass
When nothing escapes your loving eyes
The pain that’s coming from deep inside, can’t hide away the night
Your pale white skin reflection of the milky skies we’d dream
A horoscope that’s fit for life, missing everything in between
Tossed aside, discarded, left for someone else’s screams.
A scapegoat, an audience
You’ve finally got everything.

I don’t know what to tell you
To explain all I’ve done wrong
I’ve never been able to tell you
Exactly what went on

I never found the words
Or could touch your gentle skin
I only wish that I could find
The strength I have within

Cause I only wish that I could tell you
How I don’t really care
I never meant to love you,
And I wish that you weren’t here.
But you’ve ended at my start again
And I’m lost in old routines
Listen to the rain pour down
And drown out dieing screams.

I changed my stupid hair for you
And the clothes that I would wear.
My life was about impressing you
Even though you didn’t care.

Cause I only wish that I could tell you
How I don’t really care
I never meant to love you,
And I wish that you weren’t here.
But you’ve ended at my start again
And I’m lost in old routines
Slowly find the words again
To end my sweet relief.

And I’ve finally figured out now,
What I want you to know.

I’ve loved you too much, to tell you I don’t care.
I’ve loved you too much, to pretend that you’re not there.
And I’ve given up my dreams for you
For my simple dieing wish
I’d stay in here forever
In memory of that one kiss.

But I went and lost the words away
And went and lost you too
I’ll never give up searching for
Those times you put me through.

Cause I only wish that I could tell you
How I don’t really care
I never meant to love you,
And I wish that you weren’t here.
But you’ve ended at my start again
And I’ve started at my last
My final breath for loving you
Seems has gone too fast.

And I’m fading slower in the night
Cause this one is my last.
I just loved you too much to tell
That I don’t love you
That I don’t love you
That I don’t love you at all…

So there hasn't been an update since august. This could be interesting i suppose.

I just don't spend much time on my beloved computer anymore. I find I'm always out. Always at work, or out with the guys. But, lately something's clicked. I miss the old days, i miss staying at home, writing my heart out, playing guitar alone, no one else to worry about. Usually fawning over some girl, love sick, but still alone.

I don't know why i always feel i need a girlfriend in my life. I just wish i could go back to when all my friends were girls, when i was the shy little emo kid. I'm not sure if it's work, or the people i hang out with, but i'm not really shy anymore, well, i am, but don't care about acting like an idiot anymore. But i find, i still, i can't really talk to any of them. I wish i could just go back to the days when all my friends were girls. When Liisa, Brit and I would just go driving. When Emily would call me 3 times a day. When Caitlin and i would talk for hours on the phone making fun of each others stupid little habits. When I could talk to Sara (in Georgia), when Sara (from here) and i would go and hang out every spare and lunch break. When Meg and i would push each other into the snow walking home from school. When Andrea and I would do anything... (and people thought we were dating, haha) I used to actually talk then. Guys don't really talk, they just... regurgitate stupid garbage, and i find that as judgemental as girls are, guys are worse. Always going on about this girl is so hot, or i'd bang that. And I admit it, i go along with it all, but i find myself sitting there, more and more lately, just wishing i could really talk to someone.

Have I changed that much? I know i've got fatter... and i'm not really attractive, but personality wise... Am i that different that i can't have that kind of friendship back again? I'm really hoping the fact that I'm starting school up again might help this out more. But if i really have changed, whats to say it won't happen again... I can't even think of what must have made myself seem so available, or something to girls before.

My music has definately picked up. My guitar playing is a lot better, and I'm getting closer to writing my own full fledged songs. But i haven't wrote in a long time, and I'm trying to get back into the habit of writing. I drew something the other day, a goodbye card for Stacey. I wish something could really have happened between us. Whether it be boyfriend/girlfriend of more just a friend based relationship. I know we are friends, but its not close enough, and i want to. She and i have so many things in common, but enough differences to make it interesting. But there I go again, it's like i just want someone to care about.

I don't know exactly what i want, or what to do. I think I'm still me, I'm just getting fed up with who I am or who other people want me to be...


P.S. By the way. I start school at Sheridan on Wednesday. Wednesdays I'm taking a Game Design course (everything but the programming, so the graphics, music and story) and Thursdays I'm taking art fundementals (life drawing and stuff).

I honestly don't know if this is what stress is? Is this what I'm looking at for the rest of my life? Is this just a breakdown? Or is this just my mind tormenting myself more than i should be like usual.

I... well, i don't even really want to write about it because all i have to write about is bitching. not complaining, but bitching. But i want to get it out, i want to cry but don't seem to have it left in me, not since that night 37 days ago.

I work everynight, scheduled 6 days a week, 4pm-12:30am. I'm taking on more and more responsibilities, and i've reached the peak of learning there at Rogers. I wish so desperately that i was at school, that i was learning. I'm frsutrated, i'm stifuled. I don't know what i want to do, but Rogers won't get me there. The stress is starting to affect me. I'm becoming cross quicker, getting somewhat snappy, and that's something i really don't want. I just want to unwind. My nights are spent working and watching movies until 4am. I wake up at 9:00am and play games and watch movies until 4:00pm when i'm back at work. I haven't seen my parents in 4 days because they leave for work before i wake up, and are asleep by the time i get home. The most interaction i've had with them is my mom leaving me notes with supper they had earlier on in the night.

I think my main problem may be the drama i cause in my own life. I miss Caitlin. I haven't talked to her in close to 5 days now. I can still remember when we wouldn't go more than 8 hours without talking to each other. Or where we'd stay up past 4am (because that's when she'd get her 2nd wind and wake up again) talking on the phone, about nothing and everything (something i've never been able to do with anyone). I miss our stupid drawing fights on MSN and our constant emails. I wish things could have turned out differently. If christine hadn't been jealous, and Caitlin and i could have been together. If i had told her i finally found someone that i actually do love sooner, somehow made things different. But i know they wouldn't be any different. That doesn't change the fact i love her. Despite my smiles and happiness, i feel, empty on the inside. I keep sitting down to draw, but my pencil just keeps retracing the picture of her. And i just keep adding to it. Nothing else seems beautiful anymore. I used to draw whatever would catch my attention, but now, it's all just there. I'm not sure what i'm supposed to do. I've tried to see her for the past 2 weeks, but each time the plans fall through, and it feels as if another piece of myself breaks. I don't want to do that again... So i've done the whole typical hard to get thing, don't email her, don't call her, hope that she really does care like she said and let her contact you. But i'm stupid. She doesn't care that way. She has Fraser again, she's friends with Christine again. The only person that's lost anything from all this is me. And i don't feel sad or sorry for it. I just, i'm so frustrated. It's times like these i would go rollerblading, take my nice little walks, avoid the rest of the world but i can't anymore. I've become dependant on talking to her, and i hate that about myself. I wish i could just block that part of my life out now. I've tried talking to other people, but it quickly dies into nothing, and then i feel bad. I hate this feeling of needing it so badly. I'm slowly slipping back into my hermit routine. As each day passes a little piece of me hides itself away again. And i'm finding it nice to be alone again. But work constantly drags me out of that. I have to be nice and happy to customers, i have to deal with all the problems at work, and i don't want to upset my friends who i work with.

Terry and i have been somewhat at each other's throats lately, and that really scares me. Ever since i started working with him, i looked up to him, and wanted to be friends. Then i stopped regarding him as something better, something to look up to and we are friends. But now he's assisstant manager, and i'm shiftleader, we're both there overtime, we're both working like crazy, and it's getting to us, we're letting it get between us slightly. I talked to him about it, but i still feel like i'm constantly letting him down. I'm just so frustrated with everything. I need to just shut down, forget everything, i need my lonely summer days locked up and hidden away.

Maybe the solution is to just do that for a short while. Forget MSN for a week, forget calling anyone, just go into work, come home and leave it at that. Get back into the habit of rollerblading before the winter snow comes again, and forget the rest of the world. Focus on finding something to do with my life, and how i can achieve that. Or not even that, just forget everything, do whatever. Just block myself off from the world for a short while.

you may have noticed the extremely emo MSN names lately, yup, i'm back. Writing crazy lyrics, love sick and hurting, seems like i'm only truely myself when i'm all of the above. i suppose i don't mind it anymore, i don't even find myself bitching about all this crap anymore. It's strange, things like this don't seem to matter anymore. I think it's because i'm learning what i can and can't do. and some things, i just can't give up on, no matter how much they hurt me. the only think i really find myself complaining about, is work, because its stressful, it's annoying, and its work. but it keeps my life in check, and helps me count the days i suppose. I seem to keep finding drama in all the major areas of my life, it's kind of ironic i suppose in some twisted way. I used to hate the days when my life was filled with drama, then i couldn't be without it, now i couldn't care less whether i have it or don't.

i'm becoming extremely flirty as well... i'm not sure why, i don't think it's really a good thing. i suppose the worst thing of all this is, based on whats been happening, my trust of why people actually bother to talk to me has been extremely devestated. I hope realising this will help me back off, because i dont want to alienate people... I've got a feeling i just need to take a step back from everything again. Drop my obsessions... kind of take a time out from the world. Go to work, come home, sleep, go to work, come home, sleep. It may help in the long run, or it may destroy what little social life i have, hell that little social life is living well on all that crack that's been pumped through its viens. Eh... i guess i just dont want to sleep. I have to be back at work in about 5 hours. too much to do. *sigh* but tonight will be extremely fun, so it doesn't matter, and as freaking terrified as i am, sunday is going to be amazing, i won't let it be anything other than that, it's far to important to me.

So i've left enough cryptic little hints at my life for one night. It's almost like the urge is there to get it all out, but once it's out, i know it's gone, i've never been able to tell a story twice, unless its forced out of me, eh... maybe it's just a cry for attention. I've given up trying to understand myself, my minds been too busy with other things lately anyway/

i finally took a decisive action. i asked her to marry me..

Does anyone know if an Olive Garden still exists in Canada? Like what the hell... Or does anyone know a place that's a lot like the Olive Garden?